Memories of Healing Read online

  Liz finished her lists and handed the paper to her. “I’ve marked down a good place for you to grab your lunch, too. It’s a little diner, and I just know you’ll love it. You can’t miss it from the directions I’ve put down here… it’s right beside a friend’s tattoo shop, and he’s got a big neon sign that you can’t miss. Just look for Pipeline Ink and you’ll know you’re in the right spot.”

  Brenna committed the name Pipeline Ink to memory. This was definitely a sign that her passing interest in getting a tattoo was truly meant to be. “That’s actually really funny you would mention that,” she told Liz, smiling bigger than she had yet since arriving on the ranch. “I’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo to celebrate my new life. Kind of a way to start letting go of my past. You know, marking the beginning of a new dawn. Brenna two-point-oh.”

  Liz’s eyes widened as if she, too, were struck by the serendipity of it all. “You should definitely do it! Trust me, my friend Matt is one of the best you could ever go to.” She quickly took the paper back and scribbled some more on it before handing it back to her. “If you decide to go forward with it, make sure you talk to Matt. There are a couple other guys working in there now, too, but tell him you want him to do it. You can tell him I sent you.”

  Brenna looked down at the unfamiliar address scrawled across the top of the paper and took a deep breath. Well, that decided it. She’d get her tattoo and she’d be getting it from—she squinted as she tried to interpret Liz’s messy penmanship—Matt Sanders.

  Tomorrow was the big day. Hopefully she wouldn’t talk herself out of it by then.

  Chapter 2

  Brenna slept deeply that night. Her dreams seemed to be the one place the memories couldn’t reach her, and for that she was exceedingly grateful. Upon waking, however, it all came flooding back—why she was here, what she was running from, how her life had been before.

  She swallowed it all down deep in her gut, hoping the stomach acid would destroy it once and for all.

  He can’t hurt you anymore, she reminded herself as she got ready for the day. He’ll never hurt you again.

  She told herself this again and again until it became a mantra. There was nothing left to fear, so why did she still start every time she heard a loud voice or a sudden slam? Her nerves had, perhaps, been irreparably frayed. Fear was a funny thing, Brenna now knew. Leaving the only life she’d ever known behind to come to the ranch, not scary. A man she knew for a fact was buried six feet under in the Florida soil, utterly terrifying.

  These things take time, she told herself as she navigated the unfamiliar Alaskan streets toward downtown.

  You’ve got this, she thought—or maybe hoped—as she sat in her car and watched the hustle and bustle of a busy Sunday afternoon unfold from her little safe spot in the parking lot.

  Sure, Anchorage was bigger than she expected, but from everything she’d seen so far, it looked like the perfect place to get lost. Perfect.

  The only thing left on her agenda for the day was to work up the nerve to walk through the door to the tattoo shop that Liz had told her about. She’d been so anxious that morning she’d had a hard time choking down breakfast despite knowing she’d need her strength. So instead of seeking out the diner Liz had recommended for lunch, she sat alone in a parking lot trying to convince herself to open that door and take the next step toward her future.

  What the tattoo represented was far more terrifying than the actual process itself. It represented a new start, a fresh beginning, a promise to herself. Still, the thought of being stabbed over and over again by a buzzing needle wasn’t exactly comforting, either. Maybe if she just went inside and talked to the guy, he could reassure her it wasn’t going to hurt. He didn’t need to know about her other hesitations.

  Focus on the physical, then the emotional won’t hurt quite as bad.

  Before she could change her mind again, Brenna rushed out of her car and into Pipeline Ink. The sign was just as Liz had described it, and the numbers in the hastily scrawled address matched up, too. There was no doubt she was at the right place. The inside, however, was nothing like she’d imagined. She’d half expected to find a gang of bikers waiting for her, each sporting full body tattoos of skulls, crossbones, and scantily clad women.

  Instead, she found herself looking directly into the shining eyes of a handsome young man standing behind the counter and smiling broadly at her. “Well, hey there,” he said.

  Brenna froze, knowing now that she couldn’t just turn and run away or she’d look like a coward. “Hi. I’m here for a tattoo,” she said, holding her head up confidently to hide how nervous she felt.

  “You don’t say?” he answered with a chuckle. “Let me guess, a pretty tattoo for a pretty lady. Maybe a heart or a butterfly?”

  Her eyebrow lifted as she listened to his perfectly rehearsed line. “Why do I get the feeling you’ve said that to more than one pretty lady who’s walked in your shop?”

  “Okay, okay, fair enough. It doesn’t make it any less true, though.” He winked playfully at her. “We have some great designs. Let me show you.” He reached under the counter and pulled out a binder full of artwork. His strong hands were firm as he turned the pages, straight to a breathtaking watercolor tattoo of a dragonfly.

  She looked around the small waiting room at the comfortable couch sitting in the corner. There were a few chairs sitting around it, and a coffee table with magazines stacked neatly in the middle. She felt more like she was in a doctor’s office than a tattoo parlor. There was even a small table next to the counter that had a coffee maker, mugs, and creamers. It wasn’t at all like what she’d pictured.

  She turned back to him and shook her head. “It’s beautiful, but not what I had in mind. I’m sorry. I should go.” Brenna turned to leave, almost feeling a wave of relief that she wouldn’t have to go through with it.

  “Wait,” he called before she could push through the doors and make her escape. “I can tell you’re nervous, but don’t be. You said you have something specific in mind. What were you thinking?”

  When she told him her idea, he nodded and turned a few pages to show her a second stunning design. “Like this?”

  “It’s perfect,” she said on the wings of an exhale.

  He gently extracted the paper from its plastic sleeve and beamed at her. “Then today’s your lucky day. I just had a cancellation for my next appointment. It’s almost like you and this tattoo were destined. Maybe even made for each other. We definitely shouldn’t ignore that.”

  “Oh.” Brenna tittered nervously. There was no escaping now. It was out of her hands. She’d be leaving with a tattoo to call her own. “I guess that is lucky, then.” Her voice really didn’t hold a great deal of enthusiasm.

  All at once she remembered that she was supposed to ask for Matt. Maybe she’d get lucky and this wouldn’t be him, but what would she say if it wasn’t? “I’m Brenna. Are you Liz’s friend, Matt? I got so nervous I forgot to ask earlier.”

  The tattoo artist’s grin grew even wider, confirming his identity loud and clear. “That’s me.” He came around the counter and leaned against it. “Now are we really going to do this, or do you want to stall some more? Believe me, the more you hesitate, the harder it gets. The sooner you sit down and get started, the faster it will be over. Unless you’re too scared. I mean, you wouldn’t be the first person to turn around and run back the other way.”

  She laughed nervously. “You know, for a businessman, you don’t really do a great job of convincing people to stay.”

  He shrugged. “I’m not going to tie anyone down and make them get a tattoo. It’s a personal decision and not one I think should ever be done without thinking it through. It’s not like you can wash it off when you go home.”

  “Well, I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. It’s not really the commitment of the tattoo that worries me.” She looked away and frowned.

  But Matt was quick to finish for her. “Right. It’s the needles. And the thought
that it’s going to hurt.”

  “Something like that,” she admitted as her cheeks began to burn in earnest. “I’m not usually scared of needles, but I’m worried it will hurt so bad I’ll have to ask you to stop before you can finish.” He didn’t need to know anything more than that. He didn’t need to know why the pain scared her or that she’d chosen to get the tattoo in a spot that had sported deep purple bruises for much of her life. The bruises were healed now and ready to be replaced by something wonderful, something like the gorgeous tattoo Matt had designed and shown her from his book.

  “I’m not going to tell you that it doesn’t hurt. It does. But not really a pain that I believe anyone would find unbearable. And when you can picture the final product and how it will look, it can help to ease the pain a bit. Besides, once I get going, the area usually gets a bit numb anyway.”

  She crossed her arms in front of herself. “You’re supposed to tell me I’m being silly and it won’t hurt at all. That would make me feel a lot better.”

  He raised his eyebrows at her and, for the first time, she noticed his eyes were a stunning shade of blue. “Do you want me to say that? I can, but it wouldn’t be true. I’d rather you make the decision based on the truth than something I think you’d want to hear. If you want to try and it hurts too much, I can always stop and we could do a bit at a time instead.”

  She looked at the man leaning against the counter and somehow knew she could trust him—and she also knew she could do this, she had to do this.

  “Let’s just get it over with,” she said. “And don’t make fun of me if I scream.”

  Chapter 3

  Brenna nervously watched as Matt placed the reversed image of her soon-to-be tattoo onto her skin. The ink would leave a slight outline for him to follow as he traced the artwork onto her arm. She’d chosen three little birds in flight to represent herself, her mother, and her sister. Wild birds could fly, which meant they’d always be free. Birds also migrated as she’d done to avoid the winter of her own life. Funny she’d chosen a place with so much snow as her destination.

  The design was even more gorgeous than the one she had envisioned in her mind’s eye. If the resulting tattoo ended up looking even half as good, she already knew she would love and cherish it. This Matt guy had talent, that was for sure.

  Now she could only hope he also had a steady hand and a gentle touch. Her head was already feeling a bit dizzy from the excitement of it all, but she didn’t want to admit that aloud. Getting this tattoo represented a turning point for Brenna—a chance for her to show her strength while moving ahead with her life. She needed to do this. She needed it so much.

  “Okay, so this is what I’ll be using.” He turned his needle gun on, causing her to jump at the noise. He shook his head subtly and held it closer for her to see. “I wanted to make sure you knew what it would sound like so you don’t jump like that while I was pressing it onto your skin. That would be not good for you, and it wouldn’t be good for my business if you ended up with nothing but a long, squiggly line streaking across the inside of your arm.”

  Her eyes opened wide with concern. “Has that ever really happened?”

  He laughed and shook his head. “Nope. I always give my little demo first just to be sure. Now even if you don’t find it funny, laugh. Laughter helps ease the anxiety and lessen the pain.”

  Matt waited for a moment, but Brenna only bit her lip and tried not to cry.

  “Seriously, try to laugh. I mean it. It really does help.”

  “Sorry, I’m just a bit nervous. I’m sure you’re actually quite funny under normal circumstances.” She took a deep breath and bit her lip again. “Okay. I’m ready.”

  He tilted his head slightly and watched her. “Are you sure? You’re looking a bit pale. The last thing I need is you falling out of my chair and landing on my lap.”

  Brenna forced a laugh, but it sounded odd even to her own ears.

  Matt stared at her straight on. “Okay, so that actually wasn’t a joke. Some people do pass out, but I don’t think you’ll be one of them.”

  Her mouth opened, but she didn’t know what to say. “Thank you?” she tried.

  “You’re welcome. Besides, I can tell you’re tough. It’s usually the big men who come in acting like they’re tougher than nails that end up in a heap on the floor. You seem just as strong as you are beautiful. Am I right?”

  She shrugged, unable to take the compliment at a time like this. “I think maybe it’s best if you just get started before you have me screaming and running as fast from here as my legs will take me.”

  He nodded in agreement. “Okay, it’s just going to feel like something is scratching your skin. Let me know whenever you need me to take a little break.”

  She clenched her eyes tight and waited for him to start. When the buzzing of the needles started up again, she had to fight not to pull her arm away from him. She pushed herself back into the chair hard as Matt held her arm steady. She couldn’t stop. She’d committed to this tattoo, and she was going to get it now. No matter what.

  You chose this pain, she told herself. That gives you power over it.

  And, sure enough, after a few minutes, the pain began to ease. Or else she’d just become numb to it, she didn’t know for sure. Brenna let herself open one eye slightly to see what was happening. Just as she peeked down at her arm, Matt paused and lifted his gaze to study her.

  “How are you doing there?” he wanted to know.

  “Is that b-b-blood?” Her voice didn’t sound as strong as she’d hoped. In fact, she’d suddenly developed a stutter.

  He glanced toward the cloth he was using to wipe at her arm as he worked. “Just a little bit. It looks way worse than it actually is because of the ink and everything mixing as I’m cleaning the area to work.”

  She swallowed and took another deep breath. At least she could see the picture starting to emerge of her tattoo, so she knew the pain would all be worth it.

  If she could just live through it.

  You’re stronger than this! Stop being such a baby. This is good for you, her inner voice chastised right on cue.

  “Hey, hey. Talk to me,” Matt said as he went back to work. “Tell me about you. It’ll make the time go by faster. You mentioned that you know Liz. Have you known her long?”

  She knew he was just trying to get her mind off the pain, but she was grateful he was being nice enough to help. “I actually just came to town a few days ago. I’m from Florida originally. And Liz, yeah, I’m going to be working for her at Memory Ranch.” She didn’t think a near stranger needed to know she’d also be a guest there for a while.

  “You’re a long way from Florida. Are you sure you can handle the cold Alaska winters?” It was amazing how calm Matt sounded at a time like this.

  She studied his face when he put his head back down to concentrate on his work. His short hair was a mix between blond and red, and his jawline was quite pronounced. He had a thick growth of stubble along his chin, and Brenna chuckled to herself as she realized he actually looked a lot like Prince Harry.

  She was sitting in a chair getting a tattoo by royalty—or at least an inked-up version of a certain Prince Charming.

  Matt glanced up again, lifting the needle from her arm and brought his eyebrows together. “Is it tickling you now? I’ve never had anyone actually laugh while getting a tattoo.”

  “No, I’m sorry. I was just thinking of something else.” If ever there was a time to be thankful people couldn’t read thoughts, this was it.

  She watched him go back to work, concentrating carefully on what he was doing. Normally she was attracted to men with dark hair and brooding looks, but Matt wasn’t at all like that. He looked more like someone who liked to laugh and have fun but who also had a more serious side of himself tucked away. She wasn’t quite sure how she could tell all of that just from looking at him, but somehow, she just knew.

  Could he tell certain things about her, too? Oh, she hoped not.


  Still, as she continued to watch, she found herself wishing she knew more about Matt. He’d already proven he was a nice guy, but she knew very well that niceness could turn to cruelty at the slightest provocation. She’d seen it all too often with her father.

  Giving her head a shake, she attempted to still her thoughts and make her mind as blank as the untouched skin on her opposite arm. Being attracted to Matt just wasn’t an option. Being attracted to any man couldn’t be part of her life. That would only lead to problems she never wanted to go through again.

  You’ve already proved you’re brave. Now don’t be reckless.

  Matt might have been cute, and he might have seemed like someone she could enjoy being around, but Brenna would never trust any man enough to let him get close to her.

  Not again.

  Not ever.

  Chapter 4

  Brenna shifted her arm gently from side to side, admiring the way her new tattoo caught and played with the light. It was still a little sore, but she was surprised how quickly the redness had begun to fade. Now she would forever have this little reminder of her strength and ability to fly forward to a new life hidden just above her elbow.

  No more bruises. Only beauty.

  She carefully pulled on her new jacket and stepped outside her cabin into the crisp fall air. The wind had picked up after the sunset earlier, giving the sky a chill she wasn’t used to but that she liked all the same. This strange new environment was already doing wonders for her soul, and it hadn’t even snowed yet.

  A soft whinny sounded from the pen where she’d met Buddy earlier in the week. She made her way down the path toward him, eager to be able to see him again. Since Sunday evening after getting her tattoo she’d been kept busy working as she learned the ropes and settled in to her new routine. There hadn’t been a lot of time to walk down to the horses although Liz had taken her around, shown her where everything was, and introduced her to some of the people caring for the land and horses.