Memories of Home Read online

  Liz popped her head into the room and offered Ellie a smile of encouragement. “Will you be staying for dinner, Marshall?”

  “That would be great. Thank you,” he answered with nothing but the most polished manners. Originally he had suggested they sit together on the porch, but Ellie felt so dizzy by the sudden flurry of events, Liz had ushered them both inside where she could keep an eye on things and offer Ellie an out if needed.

  “There’s one thing I still don’t understand,” Ellie said once the two of them were alone again. “Why did we break up?” If what they’d had was so special, then why had they chosen to end it?

  He shook his head sadly, lifting a shoulder in confusion. “I never actually understood why myself. One day, everything was fine. The next day, I told you how hard I was falling for you and you ended it right then and there. I knew my feelings had come on fast, so maybe that scared you. I always thought maybe you just didn’t like me enough to take things to the next level. Not now, though.” He leaned his forehead in toward hers and Ellie found herself praying he would not kiss her. She didn’t know what she would do if he kissed her.

  In all practicality, Marshall was a stranger to her. Yes, he clearly cared for her deeply—and she must have liked him, too, considering all the dreams. But then why had she let him go? Was there something he’d failed to tell her? Was she trying to protect him from something? Not looking for anything serious at the time?

  None of the possible explanations synced up with what she knew about her past. And yet Marshall had come all this way for the chance to rekindle whatever it was they’d had.

  So shouldn’t she be happy?

  Marshall pulled his forehead back but kept his face close. His eyes seemed to sparkle despite the dull light around them. It was the same look Landon wore whenever he glanced at Ellie.

  His dark hair also reminded her of Landon’s. While Marshall’s was cut short and styled neatly, Landon’s always appeared as an unruly mess the few times he took off his cowboy hat and showed his curls to the world. Both men were strong, well-muscled, tanned—although Ellie suspected Marshall’s was artificial while Landon’s was from years of working beneath the summer sun. Even their strong jaws and aquiline noses resembled each other.

  Well, she certainly had a type. Had Ellie found herself attracted to Landon because he subconsciously reminded her of Marshall? The biggest difference came in Marshall’s style. He was sophisticated, well-groomed, and had a city sheen about him.

  Glancing down, she noticed his shiny black dress shoes with pointed toes. They were completely out of place up here on the ranch. Landon’s well-worn leather boots, however, were made for days like this. He always…

  No, she needed to stop this. Here she sat in front of the one special man she’d been trying to remember ever since the accident. For now, she had to forget about Landon.

  For now… and maybe forever.

  That thought made her far sadder than she cared to admit. It wasn’t fair on any level or to anyone.

  Marshall sat up straight again and let go of her hands. “I know this must be so strange for you. I wish I could help make it easier. I can tell by that look on your face, you still don’t remember me. But that’s okay, Ellie. I remember you. I know how I felt about you, how I feel about you now.”

  His bright blue eyes stared into hers, trying to find answers she didn’t know how to give. She couldn’t deny that he was a good-looking and kind man. She should stop worrying and consider herself lucky to have landed such a catch without even trying. And yet…

  “Please can we try again?” he asked, the sparks of hope dancing in his eyes as he regarded her with a soft smile.

  Swallowing hard against the lump in her throat, Ellie struggled to move past the disappointment that had wrapped itself around her heart. She’d been so sure that when she saw him again everything would come rushing back, that she would be made whole again.

  But sitting here with Marshall only shone a light on how much she was still missing. Her head throbbed as the aching in her temples intensified. She tried hard to keep her face neutral. She didn't want to be cruel, but she also didn’t want to offer false hope.

  If she could just remember, then all her problems would be solved.

  If only. If only…

  “You don’t have to answer now if you’re not ready,” Marshall said before licking his lips nervously. “As soon as I found out what had happened and where you were, I hopped on the first plane to Anchorage I could find. I didn’t even pack a bag, Ellie, because I was so excited to see you. I understand you have a lot going on. Just know that I care about you and I’m here to help in whatever way I can.”

  Ellie blinked hard to try to ease her pain and tried once more to find anything in the darkness of her mind that would bring a memory of him. When she opened them again, Marshall regarded her with a look of sorrow. Why couldn’t she be kinder? He’d put everything aside to rush to her in her time of need and she could barely hold a conversation.

  She’d been right about what she said earlier that afternoon.

  She wasn’t a very nice person.

  And that didn’t seem to have changed with the accident.

  “I appreciate you coming here, Marshall,” she said at last. “You seem like such a nice guy. I wish I could remember what we had. I wish I had some kind of answer to give you, but I’m just as confused as ever.”

  “Take your time. I’m here for you. Maybe…” An adorable blush rose to his cheeks, and Ellie thought in that moment that maybe she could love him—maybe she once already had. “Maybe if you can’t remember, you’ll fall for me all over again. We just need to get to know each other. Take it slow. I’m willing to try if you are.”

  All of this would be so much easier if Marshall were a horrible man—or if she’d never met Landon. But a piece of her heart now belonged to each of them and she didn’t know which was bigger.

  Only that they both deserved a chance.

  She already knew Landon.

  Marshall needed that chance, too.

  “I want to try,” she said at last.

  Marshall jumped up with shock, happiness, all the emotions she herself couldn’t feel. “I know you don’t remember us, Ellie,” he said, pulling her gently to her feet and clutching her to his chest. “But we were so good together. We’ll be good together again.”

  A series of thuds from the hallway interrupted them. There Landon stood with a blank face, his eyes cast toward a pile of boxes he’d just dumped on the ground. “I was emptying the truck and I thought you might want your boots,” he mumbled.

  “Thank you,” she managed to choke out.

  “Who’s this, Ellie?” Marshall asked, standing to offer his hand to his rival.

  “Oh.” Ellie hated this, hated that Landon had to see them together, hated that she had to break his heart in order to heal hers. “That’s Landon Hayes. He works on the ranch.” As soon as she’d said the words, bile threatened to burst from her stomach. They were all wrong. Landon was so much more to her, but she had to let him go. At least for a little while. At least until she knew for sure.

  Landon lifted his gaze to Ellie’s, and she could swear she saw the beginnings of tears forming in the corners of his eyes. His voice, however, came out cold and disconnected. “Yes, I just work here on the ranch.” He stopped and laughed. “So let me know if you ever need anything, because that’s my job.” With those words he turned and left, his boots pounding on the hardwood floor matching her heart beat for beat.

  She didn’t know whether she’d ever see him again.

  And it broke her.

  But then Marshall hugged her against his chest, and the world stopped spinning so wildly out of control. Now she listened to his heart, and wondered if it might also match her own.

  Chapter 21

  Ellie tore through the foggy forest as she chased after the man in the mist. Now that she’d met Marshall live and in person, she was certain she’d finally be able to see his f
ace.

  “Wait,” she cried. “Wait for me!”

  And just like that, the fog cleared away, giving her a clear view of the man she’d sought so hard for weeks on end.

  His full lips curled in a smile. His bright eyes locked on hers.

  Not Marshall… but Landon.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, hesitating as he opened his strong arms to her.

  “Showing you what you want to see.” And then he was gone.

  Ellie’s sheets lay tangled at the foot of her bed. Her forehead was damp with sweat. And tears, the ever present tears, had found their way out and onto her cheeks.

  This was the first time she’d ever seen her mystery man’s face, but it was all wrong. Why was Landon there instead of Marshall? Wishful thinking on her part? Proof that she could never turn back and needed to face forward now?

  Marshall had been with her at the ranch for three days now, and she still didn’t know what to think of him. He was handsome, kind, smart… but was he for her?

  The first two nights after his arrival she’d had a blissful, dreamless sleep. She’d even taken it as a sign that Marshall was her dream man, and now that he was found, she didn’t have to search the night for him any longer. But then this dream… Landon…

  She needed to get out of her stuffy cabin, to let the balmy night air cleanse her of the residue from this distorted dream. She stopped only to grab a sweater before stepping out into the grass with her bare feet in search of the one friend who was as broken as her, who might actually understand. Greens, blues, and yellows danced through the sky above, easing the pain and fear she’d felt on emerging from her dream.

  She tiptoed over to the edge of the corral, letting the grass tickle her feet as a cool breeze brushed across her cheek. She closed her eyes and let the peacefulness of the night fill her heart. In this moment, there was no Marshall, no Landon. Only Ellie and the world at large.

  Anything was possible here in the pre-dawn period. Memories didn’t matter because they hadn’t yet been made. Kind of like Ellie.

  But now she’d been awake long enough to discover some things, like love, longing, disappointment. Only God knew what the next day would bring.

  A crunching of hooves and a snort sounded from the other side of the fence, shaking Ellie loose from her thoughts. When she opened her eyes again, she saw Penny walking straight toward her without the slightest bit of hesitation. It was as though the horse sensed her friend needed her and had finally decided she wasn’t scared anymore.

  Ellie reached a shaky hand through the fence, feeling all the nervousness the horse had overcome. Why hadn’t she at least brought an apple or a carrot to offer? She wanted to speak to her, to apologize or tell the horse about the strange new conclusion to her recurring dream, but no words felt big enough in that moment.

  Instead she waited for Penny to make the next move.

  Ellie felt certain the horse would turn and walk away when she realized there were no treats this time. Even when there was food involved she still refused to let Ellie touch her—always just taking the apple and stepping back.

  As she reached up with her free hand to wipe the last of the wetness from her eyes, Ellie realized that all of her sadness and worry seemed to fall away for a moment. It was just her and Penny, Penny and her.

  Her breath hitched as Penny took another bold step closer.

  Not daring to move, she waited for the horse to close the rest of the distance between them, then blubbered big, fat tears of joy when Penny nudge Ellie’s hand with her nose. All this time, all this waiting, had been so worth it. Her heart soared as she realized that a patient and kind heart could overcome even the greatest of obstacles.

  Carefully, she moved her fingers over Penny’s neck, gently petting the animal as she leaned her head closer still. The two broken souls stood together under the dancing sky, taking strength from each other.

  Ellie could have stayed like this forever, but as much as she wanted to, she knew she couldn’t avoid the decisions that waited for her in the new day. She reluctantly dropped her hands from Penny’s neck and stared up into the horse’s deep, sympathetic eyes. “Thank you, Penny,” she whispered. “You have no idea how much I needed a friend.”

  Penny snorted and gave a shake of her head, which flipped her long mane back and forth.

  Ellie laughed and stepped back to avoid getting hit by the horse’s large head.

  Landon’s voice caused her to jump. “You’ve always had a friend, Ellie, even if you didn’t think you could trust me.”

  Ellie froze in place while Penny watched Landon from her place at the fence. You still have a friend, the horse seemed to say to her. You don’t need to face this on your own.

  Landon closed the rest of the distance between them and came to stand beside Ellie at the fence. “I see you’ve managed to tame her. Funny how you could do that when I asked you to stay away from her.” He carefully put his hand out toward Penny, but the horse just looked at him without moving, without letting him in.

  Although she’d caught quick glimpses of Landon around the ranch these past few days, she could tell he’d been doing his best to avoid her. This was the first time he’d even spoken to her since he’d dropped her boots on the parlor floor and stormed away.

  “This was something I needed to do,” she said solemnly.

  “Oh, I know it. I’ve seen you sneaking out here every afternoon and some nights, too, and so I stayed close by to make sure you didn’t do anything without thinking that could get you hurt.”

  She pulled back from the fence and glared at him. “You were spying on me?”

  Landon shrugged then leaned forward against the top wooden beam. “I wouldn’t call it spying. More like keeping an eye on you to make sure you stayed safe.”

  Ellie turned away from him and brought her face to Penny’s soft muzzle while she scratched behind her ears. “Hear that, Penny? He thought he needed to keep me safe, as if I’m not a grown woman who can look after myself.”

  She didn’t know why she felt the need to be combative. Maybe because that’s the way things had always been between the two of them. And yet these past few days without his company had been a special kind of torment. She’d envisioned speaking with him many times since Marshall’s arrival but she still had no idea what she wanted to say. Could anything really make it better between them?

  Landon stood leaning against the fence while he looked up at the lights dancing in the sky. He wore a sad smile but said nothing.

  Ellie’s heart lurched as she realized how much she’d missed being around him. Even though they were together now, she still felt as if he were a million miles away.

  Like she’d already lost him.

  “Landon, I…” she began, letting the words fall away when she realized nothing she could say would be enough.

  He turned toward her, and for a moment, it felt as if he would take her in his arms. But then the moment passed and instead he said, “Ellie, all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy. And if Marshall does that for you, then that’s all I need to know.”

  Landon hesitated, seeming to struggle with whether he should say the next part. At last, he decided he should. “Just remember, no matter what happens when you do get your memories back, everything I’ve done was because I care about you. You were never just a job for me.”

  Ellie brought her eyebrows together in confusion. What is he talking about? Why would getting my memories back change anything between us?

  “I know. Thank you for being here for me. It’s meant everything.”

  He looked down from the sky and over at Ellie. The pain in his eyes took her breath away, and she didn’t resist when he reached out to take her hand in his. With his other arm, he pulled her to his chest and caressed each of her scars with his gentle fingers. She let that happen, too—needed it more than anything in that moment.

  “Maybe, but it wasn’t enough.” His lips found hers and brushed against them softly at first, the
n firmer, searching.

  Ellie clung to his shirt, never wanting to let him go. She wanted to keep pretending it could work between them, that there wasn’t anyone else in the world. No memories to find. No other life to return to.

  Landon kissed her eyelids, then let her go. “It has been so good getting to know you,” he murmured.

  “You sound like you’re saying goodbye.” The words choked from Ellie’s throat as she realized the truth in them.

  He nodded sadly, raising his arms then letting him fall back to his side without inviting her in. “I am, Ellie. I have to go. I’ll be leaving on Sunday morning. I promised Liz I’d help out tomorrow night for the dance, but I’ll be leaving by sun-up the next day.”

  Her heart dropped to the ground. Of all the possible outcomes, she’d never expected this. Nor did she want it. She searched frantically for the right words, the ones that would make him stay. But nothing was right.

  “Let Marshall help you, Ellie. And be happy.” With those words he let her go, then turned and walked back down the path away from her.

  She stood in shock, watching him go, desperately wanting to call him back and beg him to run away with her, to start a fresh life together. Without memories or obligations or time limits.

  Just the two of them in love.

  Yes, love! How had she not realized it before?

  She’d been so intent on finding her mystery man that she’d missed the dream man standing right in front of her.

  And now it was too late to make him hers.

  Chapter 22

  Ellie stayed with Penny long after Landon had left. When at last she returned to her cabin, she fell into a fitful sleep. Thankfully, no more dreams came to her that night.

  The next morning, she decided to play sick—at least long enough to miss the barn dance and Landon’s inevitable departure. That plan was foiled, however, when her father arrived with a new dress her mother had shipped up from California and a bouquet he had made from the wildflowers that dotted his property.